Symbols; My Waking Dream

Experiment:  Select a current difficult life experience.  Write down in your journal:
a) Exactly what is is most difficult for you about this.
b) What new state of consciousness you are challenged to develop.
c) What symbolic images you recognize.

The most difficult situation that I currently face is my health, my ulcerative colitis, which ebbs and flows: literally with blood flowing.  Having a normal bowel movement is a rarity for me.  I often have to nearly run to the restroom. I believe what is most difficult about this is seeing blood coming from my body.

I will have to develop a state of consciousness where the blood does not bother me.   I will have to start to look for the symbolic images.

Within five minutes of me typing this, the Doctor's office called me to make an appointment.

I have had no bleeding for 24 hours without taking Prednisone.

The new state of consciousness I am trying to develop is 'acceptance'.

As far as symbolic images that I recognize or have recognized:  I saw a tree with an enormous gash in it the other day.  The tree was full and beautiful.  It reminded me of a tree I have in my front yard which had a large hole in it.  I remember seeing a few, large black ants crawling in and out of the hole.  I thought that certainly, since they were carpenter ants, they were destroying the inside of the tree even though from outward appearance the tree was perfectly healthy, green and beautiful.

I decided to take the defense of the tree into my own hands and took the garden hose and flooded the hole; the ants came pouring out in a frenzy.  Over a period of a few weeks I would occasionally repeat the process with fewer ants emerging each time.  The hole is now closing in the side of the tree and the ants are gone.

This is very symbolic of my use of enemas to wash my colon, which I feel is full of bad bugs.  We'll see if I have the same success as the tree.

What is a Miracle?

"The miracle comes quietly into the mind that stops an instant and is still...He to Whom time is given offers thanks for every quiet instant given Him.  For in that instant is God's memory allowed to offer all its treasures to the Son of God, for whom they have been kept.  How gladly does He offer them unto the one for who He has been given Them!"--A Course In Miracles

Memory is to focus on now?

"What better way to close the little gap between illusions and reality than to allow the memory of God to flow across it, making it a bridge an instant will suffice to reach beyond? For God has closed it with Himself."--A Course In Miracles


I will focus on my quiet moments today and give thanks for them.

Memorial Day

I know I violated every copyright law in the book but this is my Memorial Day tribute.  Somber Memorial Day to You.

Day and Night

What laws am I obedient to?  What laws should I be obedient to?

"Experiment: Select a difficulty in your life or some situation with which you are struggling.  Work at changing your attitude by recognizing to what law it it you must be obedient in order to move beyond the problem.  In your prayers about this difficulty ask for greater capacity to be lovingly and joyfully obedient to this higher law" "Experiments In Practical Spirituality"

 I am having an extremely difficult time with a woman, more of a girl really at work.  She used to be the most talkative person; even to the point of being irritating. Now she speaks to virtually no one except for the management and one person in the department.  Every time I see this person I feel like sneering.  Her choice to deliberately exclude people, in some cases, might be considered bullying.

From an article called: "Workplace Bullying: Applying Psychological Torture at Work" by Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D.

"What are some of the tactics bullies use in the workplace?...
The Silent Treatment. Often a bully and his or her "inner circle" will ostracize victims to the extent of completely ignoring them - refusing to even acknowledge their presence. In other instances, the bullies will stop talking when the victim enters the room, but perhaps continue talking in hushed tones with furtive looks at the victim, giggling and/or making disapproving grunts. You know, the same kind of tactics used in the schoolyard."

I have chosen this small difficulty in my life will start working at my attitude by recognizing to what law I must be obedient to to move beyond the problem.

Perhaps I fool myself when I think I live by the following:

" Luke 10:25-28

²⁵And one day an authority on the law stood up to put Jesus to the test. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to receive eternal life?” ²⁶What is written in the Law?” Jesus replied. “How do you understand it?” ²⁷He answered, “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Love him with all your strength and with all your mind.’(Deuteronomy 6:5) And, ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ ”
²⁸“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do that, and you will live.”.

I used to speak to the girl every morning when I came in to work.  I no longer do that.  If I were truly living by the "Golden Rule", I would continue to speak to hear whether she spoke to me or not.  It seems that I am living by some rule that protects my ego by getting even by acting in the same way she does.  It is, however, becoming nearly impossible for me to bring myself to speak to her.  I find myself disliking her extremely, despising her for having the audacity to be so rude that she feels she can sit in isolation and speak to no one.

I will start praying that God and Jesus will give me an answer to this....

The day after I wrote this blog the girl started talking again!

Tithing Scares Me!

The furthest thing from my priorities right now is helping others. Whenever I read a self-help, or spiritual book and I come to the part about giving something clenches in my esophagus.

"Experiment: Do good for others but allow the good which by law will return to you to come from whatever source God chooses. Observe tat it will not necessarily come back from the same person to whom you have done god.  Keep a written account of unexpected good happenings."--Experiments in Practical Spirituality

 Today I donated $25.00 to the Network for Good.  I will keep my written account here.

1. Someone posted this strange comment on another blog I have:  Agoni707 said.
   "Jesus embraced families for real eternal years. Terrified Indian missionaries moaned sadly.Illusion Silenced. Another Nature. All loaded into endless nothingness!
   Agoni707"  Not sure if this is a "good happening" or not.
2. No new developments as of the morning of May 9th; this could be a result of my expecting too much.
3. Unexpected good happenings as of May 13, 2012...not many really.  My health remains iffy, but slightly improving. I'll keep you posted.
4. I notified the company that made my $400.00 eyeglasses that they were abnormally scratched.  Although they said they do not normally cover scratching, they said they would replace my lenses for free!
5. I received notice by mail that a $1,000 hospital bill had been reduced by half.
6. Some people I am doing contract work for surprised me by inviting me to dinner at an expensive restaurant.
7. McDonald's sent me a coupon for a free Extra Value Meal because they forgot to put in my hash browns last time.

Numbers 4 through 7 all happened in one day, May 16 2012.  It seems that perhaps the tithing worked.  No, I'm sure the tithing worked and I will continue to do so from this point forward. 

The Blood is Back

My practical, spiritual experiment has turned into a total failure.  My tithing has backfired into a gushing of blood from my anus as my Ulcerative Colitis re-flared.  My family medical leave is denying my day called in sick stating that my doctor predicted that I would only have one flare every three months; this I did not know.  Now I have had three flares in three months, two of which I assume were rejected and therefore counting against me at work.  My partner says regarding my disease, "You are not a victim."  What are people that have diseases?

Unexpected good happenings?  Forget it.  I can honestly say that the days since my tithing took place have been a steady decline into poor health, anxiety, and depression. 

Mother's Day

The day of  agony and pain for me.  I found out my mother is dead via email, months after the fact just this year, March 9th to be exact. She spent the last thirty years of her life as a ward of the state.  I testified and the competency hearing; helped put her away.  I don't mourn.  I boil with anger that a sweet little child was abandoned by both it's mother and father; a strange occurrence I would think, perhaps if I were a malformed chimp it might be more common.  I feel like a malformed chimp today, perhaps even a little rabid, foaming at the mouth and ready to bite: mean, baby chimp.

Seeing Problems as Opportunities

Now this is  going to be a tough one...to see my ulcerative colitis as an "opportunity".  I have to start taking care of the little things and make my heart sing.  Govinda writes that letting go is very important.  The air we breathe in, the food we eat becomes toxic (to us) once our bodies are done with it and we must let it go.  I must define my ideal: certainly good health is a part of that but not the ideal in itself.  The health problem is perhaps a sign that I am not letting go. I must consciously and unconsciously release this health problem to God, often, frequently, repeatedly; I give it away.  "how much time and energy do I invest in protecting certain ways of thinking about myself?"

I visualize my colon, removed from my body lying on a sculpted pedestal being healed by God...weird I know!

The Bible Came

A curious story began about Easter time this year when I received an email out of the blue on Ancestry.com. The email read: 

"Since I do genealogy, a person in my town gave me an old family bible that I believe may be one attached to your family. It is the family bible of Patrick M. Cooney b. Feb 22, 1870 married to Dora Rattterree Cooney b. aug 18, 1879. Do you think this might be yours? I would love to get this back to the rightful family line."

 At first I was very skeptical that perhaps this was someone hoping I would offer up funds in advance to pay for the shipping.  I rented an PO Box just to prevent my privacy and went ahead with the communication, too curious to let the opportunity go.  I checked m PO Box everyday for two weeks and nothing.  I became disheartened that I had been misled.

I decided to contact the lady one more time to ask her if she had sent the Bible.  She apologized that she had been out of the country and would send it right away.  I think it was two days later that it came.  I was excited to carry the heavy envelope out of the Post Office and was tearing at the seal before I got in the car. I pulled it out and paged through it a bit, seeing that there were some names and dates written inside, a gingerbread cake recipe from 1952 and an obituary for a Grand Uncle.  Well I had to hurry to work so I laid the Bible beside me in the seat.  I drove the whole way with my hand resting on what I felt was a magical tome; it was as if I could feel my ancestors coming through the paper.  The smell of the old book filled the car, transporting me in time.  I carried the heavy book into work with me, excited to learn more about the Bible itself and those who owned it. 

According to the woman who sent me the Bible, it was given to her 30 years ago by an American Indian woman.  Interestingly, this woman was the daughter of a man named Greg Whitespear who appeared in dozens of movies during the 1930s playing an American Indian.  How the Bible got to me is no less than a miracle.  I feel the whole series of events was guided by the hand of God. 

There is more to come...as the lady who sent me the Bible has promised to follow up with Native American woman who gave it to her.  This could get really interesting.