Transformation

When you take baby steps, sometimes you hit your head on the corner of a coffee table.

Eagle Dream

A giant Eagle soared out of the sky.  I was in awe of its size, beauty and ability to soar so slowly and low to the ground.  It was so near me that I could touch it.  He soared to my left, stopped in mid air then turned to face right in front of me.  He then turned up at a 45 degree angle and instantly his body turned to bones; the wings remained intact.   He was frozen there in the air.  I stared at his corpse more saddened than horrified.  His beauty had disappeared in an instant.

Error

The error you make
When bowing down
Is forgetting to look up
And smile.

Master may not see it
With his shoe on your mouth
But a grin will certainly
Gleam through your eyes!

Breath heavy on the sole
And your master will certainly slip.
For the dew of your breath
Is a powerful potion
As slick as any lotion;
It will knock him down,
Break his hip.

I laugh, for now, with you
My overseer.
For I will oversee
You in turn.
That will be the day
You begin to learn.

I kiss you on the hand,
My slavemaster.
For I love you
My brother.

The Day The Pelicans Left Part I

We drove deeper into the fog and a giant power plant ahead appeared out of nowhere looking as if it were floating in a cloud of its own making.   The white steam which poured from the smokestack billowed up and then around the structure seeming to hold it suspension in the sky.  I wanted to get a picture and asked my partner to take a side road off the highway.   From this angle the structure completely disappeared; I would have to keep the eerie image in my memory and it is in indelibly stamped there.  

We continued on our journey to Lewis and Clark State Park in Northwestern Missouri without photographic evidence of the floating power factory.  I call it “Heaven” instead of using the State’s official name.  The fog grew thicker as we drove and took on a brownish tone; it was as if we were driving in the steam of hot chocolate. We slowed as oncoming cars floated at us out of the mire. Thank goodness for our trusty Garmin named  “Auntie Och” or we may have missed our turn on the way to Oz.

As we drove into the park, visibility was nearly zero but there was no fear in us from flying blind; they’re had not been all along.  It was as if we were passing into a parallel space in time and we were both aware that something magical was to happen once we had crossed over.

We had been to this park just the week before and had fallen in love with the place: we had picnicked with hot dogs and Chardonnay in plastic cups.  On our first arrival, a cloud of American White Pelicans greeted us.  Neither of us had seen the creatures this closely before and we were awestruck at the sight.  We inched our vehicle forward as if the Pontiac Vibe could tiptoe.  I hurriedly switched my camera lens from wide angle to zoom and, as stealthily as I could, crept out the side of the car to snap as many pictures as I could for I knew the throng of birds would start to move away at the sight of us.

American White Pelicans

The birds were gathered around one of three percolators that were in the center of the oxbow lake which I assume were there to oxygenate the water.  It seemed the giant, white fowl  were catching fish that had been caught up in the waves of bubbles as they made their way to the surface: easy pickings.  The birds are beautiful: long, pale yellow snouts way too large the the black and white bodies.  Their eyes appeared like small black beads that must be useless but it appeared the Pelicans could see both above and below water quite keenly.  They moved slowly away from us as they became more concerned with our presence.  They didn’t waste the energy it must take to get their large bodies airborne but paddled slowly away in groups of three to five to a more quiet destination across the lake.

The small lake is surrounded by a village: “Lewis and Clark Village”.  I could not understand why the birds would feel more comfortable around human structures...well at least until the second half of the story.

That first visit to Lewis and Clark State Park was like a glorious and magical trip to heaven.  The crystal blue sky was filled with wispy clouds all day.  Many appeared like Angel wings, mirroring the wings of the Pelicans as they flew from one side of the lake to the other.  

I caught one fish (fishing is a way to stand around in a park without appearing like some type of a weirdo), a mystical and ancient fish at that; one which I could not identify until sending the picture off to the Ombudsman at the Missouri Department of Conservation.  It was a Shortnose Gar, a species which has been around since the Cretaceous period and rarely caught on pole and line as it is classified as a “lie-in-wait” predator.  The percolators ran all day filling the air with the smell of fish, an odor of clean, fresh fish not dead, rotten fish.  I only caught the one fish but he was a miracle in my mind.  I released him of course to go about his fifty million year old habits.

 
I left with a Lewis and Clark State Park with a sinking feeling in my heart; I had never felt this kind of love for a place before.  Perhaps I can now relate to how Thoreau felt about Walden.   I couldn’t go to sleep that night because of the beautiful images playing over and over in my mind.  I wanted to experience the over and over again; tears welled up in my eyes as they quite often do now when I think of the place.

There was no plan in place at the time to return to Lewis and Clark State Park a week later.  The plan just fell into place by accident over the coming week.  I never imagined that a second visit could be even more magical

Catching an Ancient Fish, The Seahorse Rises Again

We took a trip to a place like heaven and besides a huge flock of pelicans, there was an ancient species of fish lurking in the deep there.  I never thought I would see a fish like this alive, much less catch one.  In a way, the fish reminded me of the seahorse which manifested from my dream into reality.  It's long snout seemed much like that of a seahorse and it is actually from the same Phylum: Chordata, and Class: Actinopterygii.

Please see the Seahorse post.

The place we visited, Lewis and Clark State Park in Missouri, was like a small piece of heaven: the sky crystal blue with wisps of white clouds resembling Angel wings, serene, still and quiet.  I can't wait to return. The place was like a meditation.

There were plenty of campers there but none ventured outside of their RVs.  I suppose campers stay in their luxurious vehicles and watch the latest, new release films in Dolby surround sound, texting on their phones and play games on their little, hand-held devices.

The ancient fish turned out to be a gar: fossils of this species are know from the late Creataceous period onwards.

I was transformed by this beautiful place with hyper-awareness.  I became infected by it peace and beauty.

Please don't take this as a recommendation to visit Lewis and Clark State Park in Missouri.  We want to keep the place to ourselves!

Into The Deep

Yesterday, I had one of the deepest meditations I have had in many months.  It took place while sitting outside in a hard metal chair in front of a Starbuck's cafe after having finished half of a double shot of espresso. An oddly cool, August breeze blew; it helped to caress me into a deep trance.  I could sense autumn in the air though it may be far off. The smell of dying leaves from some far off place, the tinge of the whiff of snow from a distant mountaintop, and the reassuring smell of a drop of rain were all mixing together to form a trance inducing potion, a few deep breaths and I was under.

I felt as if I were sensing every autumn in the history of time.  I felt a sense of timelessness (we are timeless awareness) that I have felt only a few times during meditation int the past.  This sense of timelessness was always associated with a smell.  Oddly, as a former epileptic, the onset of my seizures was always accompanied by the onset of an odor.

Words cannot describe the sense of timelessness; one must experience it for themselves.  I always note the time before I begin a meditation.  Often, my sense of linear time which, of course is not real, is distorted when I come out of the deep.  In this particular case I was only under for six minutes yet I felt I had explored the beginning of time to the present.  The sense of calm I felt afterwards brought a smile to my face.

I finished my espresso and left unceremoniously.

Transformation continued...

The one thing I gleaned from my readings today was one must be crucified with a smile on your face.  I will smile from ear to ear as I face my oppressors today.  As I have tried to defend myself at work, my managers have more aggressively persecuted me.

In the meantime, I have a resume in the hands of a good woman who will help me to find a new job.  I hold that in faith.

Perhaps, my managers will attack with more zeal.   I'm sure they will not be happy to see that they have not shaken me.  They will see a smile on my face and hear me laugh.

I must surrender to my transformation and fully bask in its glory and potential.  New is coming and new is good.

Transformation and Grief

Recently, my job forced me out of my real life.  I started a grieving process which I though had ended but continues.  Yesterday was a day of wailing and tears yet again.  Coincidentally, or more accurately, synchronistically I wound up with a book in my hands call "Living Originally" by Robert Brumet.  This book promised to walk me through my Transformation; perhaps the grieving will stop.

"Sometimes adversity prepares us for transformation.  To be sure, adversity in and of itself does not necessarily transform us.  But when we meet adversity with a clear mind and an open heart, the adverse experience can serve as a catalyst for opening us to deeper levels of self than might normally be possible."

"The seeds of transformation lie within each of us awaiting activation  We cannot control when or how these seeds will come into fruition but we can develop the conditions that nurture and support the seeds of transformation.  We do this through spiritual practice."

This time has apparently come for me.  Never outside of actual times of grief have I grieved as I have in recent weeks and there must be something more to it that just the change in my work hours.  Perhaps I am grieving for the old me who is fading away, a friend suggested.  Perhaps I cry for the new me that is yet to be born.

Please join me in starting your own spiritual quest.

Hole in Heart Part II

Click to see full size.

The poem has been destroyed.  (See previous post)  The hole in my heart is healing.  I still feel small twinges of pain from the wound, however, but I'm starting to feel it is a new form of matter that is filling the void, or appearance/apparition of a void.

Hole In My Heart

Today as I was sitting in church, I started to feel a hole in my heart.  I have been feeling it frequently.  My job took my family away.  The hole literally feels like a ripped open space; it is gray in color and pulls down on my chest and throat.  The hole must have its own gravitational field as it is very effective at pulling tears from my eyes.

I noticed at the back of the pew there were some blank sheets of paper marked "notes".  I took one in hand a proceeded to write a poem about the hole my heart.  The despair I feel is

1. A lack of faith
2. Overindulgence in selfish despair
3. Self-perpetuating

I left the poem there and asked whomever might discover it to please destroy it so that the hole in my heart might be filled by its wasting.

Let my faith be restored by strength! 

The Seahorse, Synchronicty and the Veil

Dreams and symbols are important but not always do they manifest in reality and not often is the search for meaning a simple one.  In this case both happened.

I was awestruck by the contents of a recent dream pictured at left.  I will quote from my impressions upon awakening:

Click for Larger View.

"I saw a beautiful cardinal fly by, and as I appreciated his beauty he began to tranform into a giant, red and black seahorse.   The seahorse was the size of a real horse and swam in the air: He was gentle an friendly, allowing me pet him.  He had long fur which was very soft.  I felt a love or kinship with this creature."

The dream held such significance for a number of reasons:

1. The seahorse was swimming in air.
2. We shared a symbiotic love.
3. He transformed from a bird before my eyes

This is not the most odd part, that very day a girl approached me and told me that she had a gift for me.  It was to thank me for a post card I had sent her earlier from South Dakota. 

I said, "Oh, what is it."

"A seahorse," she answered.  "It's a refrigerator magnet."

Seahorse From Paradise

My jaw dropped.  What are the chances that two different people not involved in the investigation of sea life would say the word seahorse to each other in the same day?  I said to her: "T.F.W."...I won't expound on what the intitials meant, suffice it to say it was an expression of amazement.  I grabbed her by the arm and brought her over to by tablet computer to show here the above picture and explain the dream which I had had the night before. 
Her amazement, as well as the small group of coworkers around me who had just hard the whole dream, was evident.

This event was the definition of Synchronicity.

But, what did the symbolism of all this mean?  More on that later...

Golden Bars

Love is two golden bars fused together;'
This is what alchemists sought.
What we "see" as matter is fringe material
Created by the interaction of energies.
As an analogy one might say that matter is
The glow of small stars.
A grain of salt is actually a constellation
Giving off a light.  (some of which is visible to the human eye.)
We call it a grain
But it is really a collection of light
Which is diffused by the energy
Of the interaction of particles.
Most of what we see is what we
Cannot see which is actually empty space.
Physicists call this dark matter.

Click to View Full Size

Gold has the most electric interactions.
Orbitals.
Our disadvantage is not being able to see
Through the spaces.
This is why meditation is necessary.

Watch Of Non Linear Time

Click on photo to read explanation.
Forgive misspellings such as dosed for dozed.  Although dose might be correct for the amount of prayer I made.

The Inside Geometry

 This shape came to me after listening to a talk about the Cathars and their belief that each of us has a divine spark within us, a piece of God. 

After doing research I discovered that the double tetrahedron (which I drew poorly in the large example as it should be two triangular shapes attached at the base) has an important place in Sacred Geometry.

"Buckminster Fuller said that there are no straight lines in nature and he was right. He claimed that all lines which appear straight are in fact  curved lines  with a very large radius (505.02, 555.21). Fuller claimed these lines were discontinuous because of quanta  energy packing, (thus explaining the wave/particle duality).  He further claimed that the basic unit, or quanta, of energy in the universe is a tetrahedron, and that all straight lines are actually tetrahedrons with one of the vertices pulled away from the other three. This may very well be, but if so, these tetrahedrons are curved, or spherical tetrahedrons."

Quantum Entanglement basically says:

"Quantum entanglement is the name given to a special connection between pairs or groups of quantum systems, or any objects described by quantum mechanics. Quantum entanglement is one of the biggest parts of quantum mechanics that makes it hard to understand in terms of the everyday world." (source)

This concept transcends linear time as we know it and is even outside of Einstein's Theory of Relativity as it allows for simultaneous action on two separated particles.  What happens to one particle will happen to the second particle no matter what their physical distance (distance in "time").

We are timeless awareness.

Bird Swarm

While taking my lunch break at work yesterday, I decided to take a walk outside.  The sky was beautiful with towering pastel clouds on the horizon.  The breeze smelled of summer flowers.  I looked to my right towards a levy that runs near my place of work to see birds darting about.  The setting sun lit their bellies the color of lightning bugs as they flitted around in circles near the bridge.

My plan had been to walk around the parking lot, but this glowing flock drew me to them.   I stood watching them on the bridge.  More and more birds started to appear and began encircling me as part of their flock.  I could hear their gentle chirping wax and wane as they grew near and they passed within two feet of my ears.  The flutter of their wings almost cooled me by creating a slight breeze.  I felt as if I were among the joyous flock and they were taking me up to the sky.

I started to cry.  I truly felt as if I were a part of God; the indwelling spirit encircled me in a spiral of beautiful, living creatures.  The birds were my Angels, here to show me it was time for me to be lifted up.

Forced To Separate

Copyright Tangerine Bud-dah Productions®

I have been working the same job for five years; it has never really been what I wanted to do with my life.  I have met many people there who I love and who love me but the nature of the work is fairly negative as it involves a Casino: a place I feel must be negative because of its very purpose. 

Recently, I have been forced to work an evening shift which has separated me from my family and church; two things which have become very important to me over the past couple of years during my spiritual quest.  The shift change came about because of something I wanted, not knowing what the consequences would be for me, I made an affirmation which turned the workplace more positive for all but turned my personal life upside down.

The were a couple of girls working there whose behavior had become a distraction at the very least and bullying at the very worst.  With one of the girls I had tried everything including praying for her and making an outright appeal to her to make peace and make work a better situation for all of us.  Everything I tried failed until one day I said to one of my coworkers: "You know that girl is so mean, so nasty and so vengeful that I cannot even believe she is real.  So, I'm going to pretend that she isn't real and she will go away."  Within a couple of weeks she had found a new job.  The other girl, who was kind of second bully to the previous disappeared from the department as well.  The second girl, who was somewhat of a back up bully to the previous girl also disappeared from the department.

I got my wish but the unintended consequences have caused me to feel actual grief as because of the evening hours I work, I basically live alone.  In time, I must expect things will change for to live this way too long will force me to make a move onto something else.  All along, I have been seeking other employment but nothing has come through the pipeline as yet. 

If I had the power to alter the horribly unpleasant situation at work as I did; and as I truly believe that I can create, manipulate and alter this waking dream we call life then I must be able to paint a new, brighter and happier picture.  I will be with my family and my church again.  My spiritual quest will continue renewed.

Running the Streets of Mexico City

I'm running the streets of Mexico City in this dream.  Running scared.  I have never been there. 

The city is filthy and I see hippopotamus sculptures surrounded by dung.  I just keep running.  After searching Google for hippos in Mexico City.   I found this:
http://photos.igougo.com/pictures-photos-p359583-Hippo_bench.html
My dreams are travels.