Transformation and Grief

Recently, my job forced me out of my real life.  I started a grieving process which I though had ended but continues.  Yesterday was a day of wailing and tears yet again.  Coincidentally, or more accurately, synchronistically I wound up with a book in my hands call "Living Originally" by Robert Brumet.  This book promised to walk me through my Transformation; perhaps the grieving will stop.

"Sometimes adversity prepares us for transformation.  To be sure, adversity in and of itself does not necessarily transform us.  But when we meet adversity with a clear mind and an open heart, the adverse experience can serve as a catalyst for opening us to deeper levels of self than might normally be possible."

"The seeds of transformation lie within each of us awaiting activation  We cannot control when or how these seeds will come into fruition but we can develop the conditions that nurture and support the seeds of transformation.  We do this through spiritual practice."

This time has apparently come for me.  Never outside of actual times of grief have I grieved as I have in recent weeks and there must be something more to it that just the change in my work hours.  Perhaps I am grieving for the old me who is fading away, a friend suggested.  Perhaps I cry for the new me that is yet to be born.

Please join me in starting your own spiritual quest.

Hole in Heart Part II

Click to see full size.

The poem has been destroyed.  (See previous post)  The hole in my heart is healing.  I still feel small twinges of pain from the wound, however, but I'm starting to feel it is a new form of matter that is filling the void, or appearance/apparition of a void.

Hole In My Heart

Today as I was sitting in church, I started to feel a hole in my heart.  I have been feeling it frequently.  My job took my family away.  The hole literally feels like a ripped open space; it is gray in color and pulls down on my chest and throat.  The hole must have its own gravitational field as it is very effective at pulling tears from my eyes.

I noticed at the back of the pew there were some blank sheets of paper marked "notes".  I took one in hand a proceeded to write a poem about the hole my heart.  The despair I feel is

1. A lack of faith
2. Overindulgence in selfish despair
3. Self-perpetuating

I left the poem there and asked whomever might discover it to please destroy it so that the hole in my heart might be filled by its wasting.

Let my faith be restored by strength! 

The Seahorse, Synchronicty and the Veil

Dreams and symbols are important but not always do they manifest in reality and not often is the search for meaning a simple one.  In this case both happened.

I was awestruck by the contents of a recent dream pictured at left.  I will quote from my impressions upon awakening:

Click for Larger View.

"I saw a beautiful cardinal fly by, and as I appreciated his beauty he began to tranform into a giant, red and black seahorse.   The seahorse was the size of a real horse and swam in the air: He was gentle an friendly, allowing me pet him.  He had long fur which was very soft.  I felt a love or kinship with this creature."

The dream held such significance for a number of reasons:

1. The seahorse was swimming in air.
2. We shared a symbiotic love.
3. He transformed from a bird before my eyes

This is not the most odd part, that very day a girl approached me and told me that she had a gift for me.  It was to thank me for a post card I had sent her earlier from South Dakota. 

I said, "Oh, what is it."

"A seahorse," she answered.  "It's a refrigerator magnet."

Seahorse From Paradise

My jaw dropped.  What are the chances that two different people not involved in the investigation of sea life would say the word seahorse to each other in the same day?  I said to her: "T.F.W."...I won't expound on what the intitials meant, suffice it to say it was an expression of amazement.  I grabbed her by the arm and brought her over to by tablet computer to show here the above picture and explain the dream which I had had the night before. 
Her amazement, as well as the small group of coworkers around me who had just hard the whole dream, was evident.

This event was the definition of Synchronicity.

But, what did the symbolism of all this mean?  More on that later...

Golden Bars

Love is two golden bars fused together;'
This is what alchemists sought.
What we "see" as matter is fringe material
Created by the interaction of energies.
As an analogy one might say that matter is
The glow of small stars.
A grain of salt is actually a constellation
Giving off a light.  (some of which is visible to the human eye.)
We call it a grain
But it is really a collection of light
Which is diffused by the energy
Of the interaction of particles.
Most of what we see is what we
Cannot see which is actually empty space.
Physicists call this dark matter.

Click to View Full Size

Gold has the most electric interactions.
Orbitals.
Our disadvantage is not being able to see
Through the spaces.
This is why meditation is necessary.

Watch Of Non Linear Time

Click on photo to read explanation.
Forgive misspellings such as dosed for dozed.  Although dose might be correct for the amount of prayer I made.

The Inside Geometry

 This shape came to me after listening to a talk about the Cathars and their belief that each of us has a divine spark within us, a piece of God. 

After doing research I discovered that the double tetrahedron (which I drew poorly in the large example as it should be two triangular shapes attached at the base) has an important place in Sacred Geometry.

"Buckminster Fuller said that there are no straight lines in nature and he was right. He claimed that all lines which appear straight are in fact  curved lines  with a very large radius (505.02, 555.21). Fuller claimed these lines were discontinuous because of quanta  energy packing, (thus explaining the wave/particle duality).  He further claimed that the basic unit, or quanta, of energy in the universe is a tetrahedron, and that all straight lines are actually tetrahedrons with one of the vertices pulled away from the other three. This may very well be, but if so, these tetrahedrons are curved, or spherical tetrahedrons."

Quantum Entanglement basically says:

"Quantum entanglement is the name given to a special connection between pairs or groups of quantum systems, or any objects described by quantum mechanics. Quantum entanglement is one of the biggest parts of quantum mechanics that makes it hard to understand in terms of the everyday world." (source)

This concept transcends linear time as we know it and is even outside of Einstein's Theory of Relativity as it allows for simultaneous action on two separated particles.  What happens to one particle will happen to the second particle no matter what their physical distance (distance in "time").

We are timeless awareness.

Bird Swarm

While taking my lunch break at work yesterday, I decided to take a walk outside.  The sky was beautiful with towering pastel clouds on the horizon.  The breeze smelled of summer flowers.  I looked to my right towards a levy that runs near my place of work to see birds darting about.  The setting sun lit their bellies the color of lightning bugs as they flitted around in circles near the bridge.

My plan had been to walk around the parking lot, but this glowing flock drew me to them.   I stood watching them on the bridge.  More and more birds started to appear and began encircling me as part of their flock.  I could hear their gentle chirping wax and wane as they grew near and they passed within two feet of my ears.  The flutter of their wings almost cooled me by creating a slight breeze.  I felt as if I were among the joyous flock and they were taking me up to the sky.

I started to cry.  I truly felt as if I were a part of God; the indwelling spirit encircled me in a spiral of beautiful, living creatures.  The birds were my Angels, here to show me it was time for me to be lifted up.